Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You Might Also Like
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.