Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I created you as mosquito food.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.