guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]