John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that