I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?