Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”