I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet