America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god