Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Watson was Holmes schooled
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.