I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?