Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.