*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.