I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Just had my nails done!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks