I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you