Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work