The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’m good, thanks.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.