15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My plans: 2020:
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?