Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My first son he is wonderful
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.