One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
From Facebook just now…
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
brian had himself a morning…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller