The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
this is me
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.