my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Education is vital
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.