I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.