U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.