Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
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Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.