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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.