Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough