Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
another case of gang violins
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”