Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Challenge accepted.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I want what they have
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks