if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas