Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
that’s really how it is
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.