I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Squirrels before girls.