Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly