(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender