NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
How animals would run if they were human