drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I have a new favorite meme page
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.