The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.