QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
this FaceApp is creepy af
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.