I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage