Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years