Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.