I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
wtf management?!
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.