Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.