Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns