Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
We’ve come full circle
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.