I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You Might Also Like
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
this has done me in for some reason
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*ernest hemingway voice*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
i’m still crying at this
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting