I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me