So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Reporter: *ports again*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Unexpected Judgment
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.