Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I feel this so hard
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should