Them: Just act casual
Me:
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]