That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Thursday Thought.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.